Mentor, Mentee and the World of Mentoring

Over the span of my lifetime spent in offices, classrooms, and spaces in-between, I've mentored and been mentored. I've gone to intimidating offices, I've met people at low-key coffee shops, I've Skyped with all sorts of time zones. Sometimes, the conversation flows so easily, I don't even see the flash of mentoring in it. One caveat: mentoring for me has never been a one-way flow. In the mentoring role, I have always learned in ways expected and unexpected. If the language and setup allow for it, I always tell my mentees that I expect we will both be serving in both roles during our time together.

Right now, I formally mentor via GirlForward and Chicago Women in Philanthropy. The form pairs you to a high-school refugee girl for a year (and more if it works out); the latter with a emerging to mid-career woman. With my high-school mentee, there is a vast space between our lives and experiences, but less so culturally. With my grown-up (ha) mentee, there's a lot that is (or feels) common in the trajectory of our lives and the questions we have. Last week, I spent an enjoyable early evening, eating dosa and talking to my mentee. Since the, I've been sick and stir crazy, and thinking about what has made mentoring (in all its form) an experience I enjoy. Here is what I learned, and I hope it's useful to you (more on the next page):

1. Vagueness: I have learned to accept this as a building block for pretty much any mentoring program. It is one thing to fill out an application, and send an email, and an entirely different one to sit across someone (even if virtually) and talk about what you expect to need or give in the mentoring relationship. I've finally stopped being thrown off for this or seeing it as a sign of a failed start. As time passes, if you are a mentee I hope your questions become more specifics, and if you are a mentor, I hope your conversations become more focused. There is always space for the amorphousness that is most of our lives. But a mentoring relationship should at the very least help you to articulate what you need help with.
2. Fit: Sometimes it feels like a good fit from the beginning, and at other times, your communication styles may differ, your work trajectories may seem to have no intersections. There is a no doubt that a good fit makes communication smoother, BUT there is also nothing that says stepping out your comfort zone doesn't help you. Think of it this way: it's a relatively low stakes way of practicing a communication style that doesn't come naturally to you. It should go without saying, genuine respect and curiosity should always be foundational for all aspects of the relationship.
3. Honesty: I am direct, to the point of bluntness, but not unkindness. I have found it helps me to be honest, even when I feel that I may not be a good fit as a mentor for someone else -- for example, one time my grad school paired me with someone whose experience far exceeded mine, and while our conversations were interesting, the pairing not useful for her. What helped was both our abilities to acknowledge that and move on. Do not GHOST your mentors or mentee. It's in poor taste (in most, if not all aspects of life), and not a great move for your career.
4. It's not all about work: Finally, for me, the most meaningful mentoring relationships have gone beyond just work and career questions. Most of my mentors have impacted me in ways that I still carry with me, and it's helped me evolve from a callow 20-something employee to a curious and resourceful thirty-something person, whose career trajectory has far exceeded my early expectations.

Like most of life, the mentoring experience is what you make of it. Some of the more structured programs have check-ins and lists, and while I would never complain about a list (ha!), that is not what stays with me at the end. It's always how the mentoring relationship made me feel that sticks with me.