Me, My Impostor Syndrome, and Our Journey So Far
Have you ever had a conversation with a friend, a colleague, a partner, someone you respect and value, and found that within your common vocabulary, there still is a vast gap. The last (momentous, at least in my mind) time I remember this happening, is when I mentioned Impostor Syndrome to someone who is both curious and proactive in how they approach the world as a cis-het-male, and they had never heard of the term. It took me a moment to register that this was, in fact, the truth. A term that I took to be almost universal within a certain professional group, did not in fact exist.
There is, of course, a tremendous amount of research about the syndrome (and how it impacts womyn, but also men of color, and minority groups). What I am most curious about is how it plays out in our lives. As a callow twenty-year old, I mostly felt out of place in my first real job. I was never sure if it was because I wasn't skilled enough (true) or just full of self-doubt (also true). I will never scoff at a health amount of self-doubt; of course the way it is distributed is disproportional to skills, and anchored (unhealthily) to demographic and economic privilege.
I have come a long way over the years with how my impostor syndrome and I live together. As prideful as it feels (and the adjective choice is intentional), I am accepting more and more that is not all luck. Of course, there is luck involved, starting with the lottery of birth. But luck is also what you make of it, and I have made something of it. Packing up my life to travel across the world with two suitcases, starting an internship and staying and growing at a workplace where I knew not one person when I walked in the door, those are achievements in their own way. Of course, when I say those are achievements, the door of self-doubt opens with several questions: are they achievements enough? Am I jinxing everything by calling them achievements? Is it arrogant to think this way? I have to then remind myself that I don't think I am exceptional, or that these achievements are life-changing for anyone (except myself).
What I am learning over the years is to identify the source of the self-doubt. Am I lacking some technical skills or knowledge? Am I lacking the soft skills -- I've surprised myself by how much emotional intelligence has helped me acknowledge that some of the doubt stems purely from my interpretation of the situation. Is this perhaps something where I need to change my attitude? I am a novice but I am starting to put a space between an action, and my reaction to it, and it helps. A few times, it's entirely possible that it has nothing to do with me, and is entirely someone else projecting. I find this exercise helpful because it helps me distribute the feeling of 'I don't deserve this' or 'I am a complete fraud'. Those statements are not absolutely true. But reflecting on the root cause also keeps me grounded. There is a lot to learn, and a lot to improve at.
Some of my doubt of course stems from being a relative newcomer in the country and work. I am glad to have been a child of my generation, for my corporate experience early on in my career, and of course, the easy and ready access to information. All of those have helped, as has having people in my corner over the years. I have been lucky, luckiest of all in the people I have come across, in the bosses I have had, who have served as mentors, and have been such fine people, I couldn't help but wanting to be someone better than I was and am. But of course, impostor syndrome and being outside your 'home' can be an interesting cocktail as well. I only know a little from the world of work inside an office. There is much more beyond that in other professions.
To wrap it up, I'll leave you with this amazing video from TikTok, which a friend forwarded a while back. I come back to it every once in a while, and if I knew who the creator was, I would 100% reach out to them.